Boredom and Fear

Something I’ve noticed about growing older, as the decades turn, is my growing unwillingness to take risks.  This is not evident from my general life trends.  In the past ten years, I’ve lived in a foreign country, moved to a new city knowing practically no one and nothing, quit jobs, quit couplehood, and quit various support networks.  Still, I feel my life is generally ruled by fear.  I do small things in conformity with other’s expectations because I am afraid to disappoint.  I do large things with extravagant flamboyance to prove I am not afraid.  I think it is rare that I make a truly independent decision.  I hope at least some choices I make are in consideration of others, rather than in fear of their judgment.

There’s a quote somewhere out there, perhaps well-known but only vaguely outlined in my memory, about the majority of people living their lives bound either by boredom or fear.  In my case, I know the binding to be fear.  It is a main imperative.  But I don’t think this has always been the case.  My parents say that I was always an independent child, someone very self-possessed at a young age.  When I went to Australia in high school, they said this was an outward expression of my singular self, but not the origin of it.  Still, I don’t think I was ever aware of myself with the individuality others saw in me.  Perhaps what others see is more honest than my own inward perception.

I can remember an earlier time when my own worldview was predominant, and no fear would distract me from my own imaginings.  I can remember being wildly self-involved.  I can remember being stubborn and angry and feeling any variety of extreme and therefore negative emotions.  I have somehow slipped out of that mindset, and become someone who considers the world and my impact on it more broadly.  Is that wisdom, or the loss of something precious and wondrous?


1 Comment

  1. Damo said,

    October 7, 2010 at 7:02 am

    Nice phychological post man, I wish I could express myself with the (apparent :P) ease that you write with.

    Im a bit like you, though not just ruled by fear but boredom too, however fear is still probably the biggest. Im at that stage where I don’t really know where I lie in the world; I’m contemplating whether my friends are actually my friends, why I feel so miserable when I stay at home (of my own choice) after my friends have even asked me out to parties with them and sounded genuinely dissapointed when I refused to come out, but then I ask myself why I don’t want to go out and I just dont know, and why I continue my miserable state and refuse to take charge and change my life.

    But who needs friends when you have achieved inner peace RIIIGHTTTTTTTTTT :/

    sorry man just venting my problems lol, nice blog though 😉

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